I am a bit worried.

I can’t remember anything.

That’s not true. I can remember waking up this morning. Hearing the dog downstairs. Feeling immediately panicked, then breathing, making my bed, putting clothes on.

I can remember everything I did after that. And I can remember everything I did last night. And… Can I remember what I did yesterday?

I can remember flashes. Me at the dinner table, photo in one hand, a stick of glue in the other. Eating curry. Playing video games. I had dried mango at one point.

If you were to ask me what I did yesterday though…

I’d draw a blank.

This worries me.

I tried remembering things from my childhood this morning. Inner child work or something. „Picture the child. What is it wearing? What is its favourite toy?“, asked the calm lady from the meditation app. I panicked. What is the child wearing? I couldn’t even see its face, let alone what it was wearing. Its face was like some kind of nightmarish blank mask from a horror movie. Staring at me without eyes. No emotions, no accusations, nothing. What was my favourite toy, as a child? I am a bit worried that I can’t remember. „What does the child want?“, continued the woman with her singsong voice, not letting myself think about toys for a minute.

WHAT DO YOU WANT

I felt myself scream at the child.

WHAT DO YOU WANT

I don’t think you’re supposed to scream at your inner child.

Maybe it wants a favourite toy?